Too Many Changes
There are many layers to reality, just as the world in this dimension goes through changes, the cosmic realm goes through changes. The spirit makes decisions based on these cosmic conditions. I’m sure many of you have been affected by this mass exodus of spirits deciding to transition from this realm to the next. I know I have. It’s been difficult, and sudden.
My grandmother transitioned in September. In January, my twelve year old cat was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grandfather passed away in February. Although i realize they’re not gone, just in another realm, grief still holds me in its iron grip.
I’ve sought out connection with old friends, people I haven’t seen in a while as a distraction from it, and most have asked the innocuous question, “ So, what’s new?” I find a great resistance in telling, for whatever reason. Perhaps I don’t like pity.
But grief is something that I’ve never truly experienced before. Not like this. It’s a sadness that you can’t mask, so matter how hard you may try.
“I’m so sorry! That’s so much, all at once, too. Are you okay?”
I lie, of course.
The grief comes in violent bursts– beginning in my chest like a weight, and rips its way up my throat. It’s unpredictable. And confusing. Terrifying, really.
Survival Techniques
Fight, flight, or freeze is a survival technique that we utilize for our encounters with emotions. Over the years, through various life experiences, I’ve become uniquely skilled at “freezing”. I didn’t process traumatic events in my life, I turned myself off entirely to keep from feeling. I’ve been working on thawing myself, and find that they all still live inside me, buried under the ice.
Very early into my psycho-spiritual journey, I found these relics, but continued to distance myself from them, analyzing from afar– because that’s what I thought it meant to be spiritual.
A separation of yourself from the baseness of humanity in order to ruly gain oneness with the Divine. One of the first things I studied was Gnostic texts.
It’s interesting now– in hindsight I can see that I misconstrued what was written– distilling information through the lens of my own false understanding of the world to better suit my beliefs. Ironically, this was also something that is discussed in Gnostic texts.
My younger brother was the child with debilitating anxiety– I was the older, more independent child. The strong one. I needed to be stable for them. I didn’t want to demand too much of their attention for fear that they would love me less if I needed more.
“Fight, flight, or freeze is a survival technique that we utilize for our encounters with emotions.”
I would actually bond with my father on how “low-maintenance” a child I was. He would look at me, beaming with pride. “You’re just like me, Claire. You’re strong. You’re not emotional and sensitive like your mother.” Those were the moments that I felt he loved me the most, and in those moments I realized that if I want to be loved, I can’t need.
I am not allowed to feel anything other than happy. If I do, I’m not being strong enough.
When I read texts about mindfulness, about how the chatter of the mind causes emotions to run rampant, I interpreted them as a disease of the mind that is self-induced.
“What does it mean to start living within the moment of now? It means to discontinue thinking for just a moment and to start seeing the world around you. Nine out of ten thoughts we have are wasteful or harmful to ourselves and others. The natural and mechanical thought and daydreaming. These are pollutants of the mind, yet we are so conditioned to polluting our mind, that it may seem quite impossible to stop thinking even for a moment. But it is possible, with the right effort. One must strive to be aware of the self at all times, and to do this, one must remain internally quiet. One must become aware of the self, because this is where knowledge hides.” (The Gnosis of Kali Yuga, 37-38).
“I’ve been working on thawing myself, and find these traumatic events still live within me, buried alive under the ice.”
I did my best to stop thinking so much. To stop the well of emotions within me from leaking. I am supposed to be in control of this vessel, why is it so hard to stop this suffering?
I turned to more and more religious texts, with the understanding that none of them have the complete truth, but rather each a piece of the truth that was my responsibility to decipher and puzzle together. This would surely be the way to cure this ailment of emotional fraility.
“To understand the religions of the world correctly… in their true transcendental aspects, we must experience and live the truths, we must intimately know the sublime realities as they were written. And, although this sounds a little extravagant, a little exceptional, to experience these things is a possibility that lies sleeping at the center of our existence. This is something to be known personally..” (The Gnosis of Kali Yuga, 57).
This early understanding of how emotions work is only a fragmented aspect of the truth, and has been greatly distorted by my own fear of their power over me. This false understanding encouraged me to continue doing what I had always done– move and act spontaneously, “living in the moment.” It’s left me reeling, and feeling completely unprepared for this initiation that the Great Mother has beset on me.
The Relics Thaw
I can’t sleep.
Whenever my mother sees me, she comments on the dark bags that now form under my eyes.
I spoke with my grandmother about waking up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep.
“‘One must strive to become aware of oneself at all times, and to do this, one must remain internally quiet. One must become aware of the self because this is where the knowledge hides.””
“Oh, I have that problem, too. My doctor told me to take some magnesium, and that helps. But what really helps is praying. I get right on down to my knees and pray to the lord, “Please lord, let me sleep, let me sleep.” And I get right on down to sleep. But sometimes, Claire, the Lord wakes you up because he’s got a message for you. During those times, you gotta ask, “What do you need to tell me, Lord?” And you listen.”
So I’ve been praying a lot, and getting frustrated when I can’t divine any answers from my guides. Or feel that I can’t. One of the things that I’ve learned on this journey is the ability of the mind and body to block messages because its in a state of shock. It needs to process everything that’s happening.
But I still prayed for answers.
The Messages That Were Revealed
One of the Divine Laws is that there are no accidents, everything happens for a reason. Once you understand this, along with the knowledge that Source God works through you and will reach you in ways that you never expect, you begin to observe your life through a more keen lens.
While I couldn’t divine my messages, my spirit knows when I’m being spoken to, and when to turn a careful ear. One of the things that I’ve been doing as a means of managing my emotions is binge watching tv. I’ve been watching a lot of One Piece. (There are actually a lot of ancient codes in there about ascension, I will discuss that in a later post.) A villain of the show talked about the main character’s new “evolution”.
He said, “When your mind and body catch up with your power, this is when awakening occurs.”
A shiver went up my spine, my body jolted–– my blood was telling me that this was one of the answers I was seeking.
“… everything happens for a reason. Once you understand this… you begin to observe your life through a more keen lens.”
I have cultivated my spirit body and my astral body a decent amount, and am certainly more attuned with my Divine self and power. But I have neglected the physical aspect of my body– the purifying of the trauma of my ancestors, and have, admittedly, bulldozed my emotions. They’ve finally caught up with me– demanding my attention after years of exclusive tending to my other bodies.
To progress further on my spiritual journey, I must achieve the next phase of my awakening by allowing the physical– the mind and body (and the blood)– to catch up with my cultivation of my divine power.
Spirit speaks through your impulses, too: what are you drawn to do out of the blue?
There’s an oracular book that I’ve found to be incredibly useful in divining messages that I can’t receive in my body. I flip through the book until I land on a random page, and read that.
It was recommended to me by one of my mentors, called “The Gene Keys: Embracing Your Higher Purpose” by Richard Rudd. The page I landed on said:
“The 22nd Gene Key is special within the overall matrix of the 64 Gene Keys, containing a highly specific teaching and a powerful transmission. The transmission of this consciousness alone can alter the way in which your DNA operates… Just as the 55th Gene key describes the process of awakening as a genetic evolutionary process rising up within your body [or Kundalini Rising], the 22nd Gene Key describes the process of awakening as the direct intervention of Divinity coming down into your body [embodying divinity, and becoming one with your Christos energy]. Thus it is through these two Gene Keys that the forces of Evolution and Involution finally come together. As you enter the field of the 22nd Gene Key you are involving yourself in a magical process of innovation in which you directly invite a higher presence into your life… [this] needs to be approached in a prayerful and reverent manner, and in a spirit of nakedness. There is a great deal of information synthesized here.” (Rudd, 159)
“‘ When your mind and body catch up with your power, this is when awakening occurs.’”
The conscious mind cannot handle the amount of information that we are given regarding a lot of spiritual matters, and filters out an overwhelming majority of downloads of true spiritual evolution– this is where the power of the subconscious kicks in. When you feel tired, or that you cannot function normally after hearing something new, this is usually an indication of a download or divine synthesis. We cannot rely on the conscious mind for spiritual matters because spirit works in ways that our mind cannot ever dare to fathom. This is why we feel spirit, when we are one with spirit and cannot think our way into connecting with it.
“… it should be borne in mind that negative emotions in and of themselves are a natural part of the world in its current state. If they can be usefully transformed or sublimated into art, creativity, or service, their power is awesome. It is a matter of how much responsibility you can take for your own feelings. However, most people in the world today are utterly ruled by their emotions… many so- called spiritual teachings suggest that you should subdue your negative emotional states in favor of sweeter more virtuous frequencies. In fact this is the basis of most of the great religions. But to subdue any state or feeling is to dishonor and distrust that feeling which prevents acceptance. From the point of view of the 22nd Gene Key, every feeling, mood, or thought you have is put there directly by God for you to trust in it. Trusting this process is obviously not the same as acting it out… One of the tricks of the 22nd Shadow is to con you into trying to fix your moods, rather than allowing them to simply pass through your system naturally. The fact is that you cannot rach higher states of consciousness without first passing through your own suffering.” (Rudd, 161)
The manifestation of Spirit is unique to each person. When I’m being spoken to, or when I receive messages from my Guides, I have a bodily reaction– for spirit is embodied.
As I read this passage, my hair rose along my forearms, and tears fell from my eyes. (Oracle tears such as these are another indicator I’ve discovered for myself when in the presence of the divine. They stream freely like rain down my cheeks, although I feel no sadness or pain, only joy, often in mediation.) I felt it to be true, but it also left me with so many questions. While this was certainly a truth that I needed to hear, it didn’t fit with what I had learned previously about creating misery for ourselves.
The Guides Speak
There must be a difference between feeling an emotion and letting it pass versus wallowing in it, and allowing it to run your life.
“… it should be borne in mind that negative emotions in and of themselves are a natural part of the world in its current state. If they can be usefully transformed or sublimated into art, creativity, or service, their power is awesome. It is a matter of how much responsibility you can take for your own feelings. However, most people in the world today are utterly ruled by their emotions… “
That night I woke up at 3am, and stared at the darkness waiting for sleep to return. At around 5, I realized that it wouldn’t, and crawled to my meditation pillow in the corner of my room. I prayed to the Holy Mother and my Divine self, asking for an answer. This time, they responded:
“It’s a delicate balance, but there is a distinction between allowing yourself room to feel, and giving the feeling power of the room. One requires awareness, the other ignorance. Those who give themselves room to feel possess a responsibility, a willpower and a dedication that those who give the feeling power over themselves can’t imagine themselves ever having. This is their plight.”
“Do not be afraid to feel what you are feeling. Emotions are like children. You must take responsibility for them, be aware of what they are doing and their effect on you. Like children, you must tend to them, be nurturing, gentle, and kind. Soothe their wounds. Listen to their sorrows. But do not spoil them, and allow them to run wild.”
In that moment of divine clarity, I felt the guiding hands of my spiritual support team gently laying on my shoulders, easing the burdens that I had been carrying for so many years.
You see, there are many reasons why we have incarnated into this life, and even more for why things happen to us the way that they do. But one of the most powerful laws of ascension is how we as “individual” souls transmute these energies– for emotions are one of our strongest forces. If we neglect them, and allow them to rot and fester, we are in reality allowing a part of our spirit to rot and fester. We are infecting it. That is not to say that you can only ever have good emotions, it’s what you do with both that matters.
Do you ignore them? Do you turn to television like me?
“…there is a distinction between allowing yourself room to feel, and giving the feeling power of the room. One requires awareness, the other ignorance. Those who give themselves room to feel possess a responsibility, a willpower and a dedication that those who give the feeling power over themselves can’t imagine themselves ever having. This is their plight.”
Emotions are elemental forces of natural that work spontaneously through us, and it’s important that we observe them for the phenomenon they are, and allow them to perform their divine duty. But also realize that you, as another divine force of nature, must harness them without falling victim to them.
I understand that this is a very complicated matter to comprehend, but this is also an experiential lesson that you must realize for yourself. Only you can learn the difference between nurturing and wallowing.
Only you can know when you are tending the child, or letting the child wreak havoc on you.
Thich Nhat Hanh write in The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching:
“Recognizing and identifying our suffering is like the work of a doctor diagnosing an illness. He or she says, “If I press here, does it hurt?” and we say, “Yes, this is my suffering. This has come to be.” The wound in our heart become the object of our meditation. We show them to our doctor, and we show them to the Buddha [our Divine, higher selves] which means we need to treat it with kindness and nonviolence. We need to embrace our fear, hatred, anguish, and anger. “My dear suffering, I know you are there. I am here for you, and I will take care of you.”… After recognizing and identifying our pain, we take the time to look deeply into it in order to deeply understand its true nature, which means its causes. After observing our symptoms, the doctor says, “I will look deeply into it. This illness can be understood.” It may take the doctor a week to conduct and inquire about what we have been eating, our attitudes, how we spend our time, and so on. But he is determined to understand our illness.” (Hanh, 29)
And so determined must we be.
The Wayward Minds Collective 
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